The Process of Accepting What Is

These past few months have been a roller coaster. There have been high moments and many low moments. What I do know for sure is that it has been a major year for learning (+ unlearning & relearning).

A major theme that keeps coming up is to accept what is, for what it is...ESPECIALLY when it comes to my mother. As an adult, being in such close proximity with her again for a long duration of time has probably made my trigger symptoms worse. Seeing certain unhealthy behaviors and patterns is even more apparent now and my bodily reactions to witnessing these things is at an all time high.

Something that I have to come to terms with is that my mother is never going to be the loving, caring, supportive mother that I always wanted, that I want her to be. She is pretty much set in her ways. She is "loving" in her own way(s), but it is in no way the manner in which the people closest to me love on me. I have to accept that she cannot (or will not) actively help me, she cannot save me. I have to be okay with her holing me to a different expectation than she does my sisters.

The second thing that I have to come to terms with is that my mother is not going to ever truly see, hear, or understand me. Essentially, my whole life I have been trying to explain myself to my mother. As a highly intellectual person, especially being an Aries, I am a very cerebral and logical person (most of the time). How I move may not make sense to most, but there is a method to the madness. My mother does not operate in reason, most times I think she is textbook insane (repeating the same exact thing, but expecting different results every time). It is frustrating because when I interject, state an observation, or make a suggestion, I am the disruptor who ruined the perception that she based on fallacies or just what isn't actual reality. I have to be okay with being "the problem", being the "entitled" child, "not being there for family".

The third conclusion that I have to come to terms with is that my mother's house will never be my "home". I have never felt home in my entire life. My mother's house vibrates with hostile & sometimes volatile energy. It is not a place to get comfortable or feel at peace much as I want it to be. I can only take being there in short doses.

All of this is a hard pill to swallow because at 28 years old, I would think that something would change, some part of her would evolve, any light bulb would go off....but she is stuck in the same pattern and I can't do anything to change it, no matter how often I hold a mirror up to it, no matter how many times I say something, no matter how quiet or loud I get. Nothing works. And I have to accept that. I have to be fine with the fact that I am just completely different from the rest of my family and the best thing that I can do to maintain the peace is to give myself a healthy distance.

I have to do what is right for me despite it being what someone else does not want. I have to protect my energy, my mental health, my sanity, my peace, my heart. Those are my only responsibilities.

I know that I have a partner and friends that support me on my journey. I am forever grateful for my soul family stepping in when my given family doesn't/can't/won't.

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