Trauma With Your Mama | Stories | 006


Woman sitting behind flowers and leaves covering her eyes.
Photo found on Pinterest: Yatzer.com "Overgrowth series by Parker Fitzgerald and Riley Messina

**TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL VIOLENCE, CHILD ABUSE, GROOMING**



I assumed my mother hated me my entire life. What I now accept is this is jealously.  At the age of 9 my mother got a boyfriend.


My mother hated that he or anyone called me beautiful. She would somehow try to remind me (yes at the age of 9) no man will love you, he only wants to f**k you, that’s all you can offer. At that time I didn’t know that I was being groomed By my mother to have a sexual encounter with my mothers boyfriend.


I was free spirit. The jealousy took over with my mom and she tried to “beat it” out of me. By free I mean witty, outspoken, smart and adventurous.


In elementary school I wore a size 34c bra, but I’m still a child. The more people complemented my looks or my hair or my academia, it chipped away at my mother.


There were many years of “you ain’t shit” or “those looks will only take you so far” or “you’re gonna be in the projects with 5 kids like your grandma because I can already tell you’re fast.”


A day came when it was time to “cash in”on the promise she made her boyfriend. He later told me that she promised that he “can have me”  that she would have “given me to him when I was 9, but I was old enough to understand, so he will be my first”.


He flirted with me my entire child hood and when I would tell her he makes me uncomfortable I was being fast and exaggerating. After speaking with multiple family members she had me committed to a psych ward stating that I’m a liar and I didn’t want her to be happy.


One morning about 3 am she woke me up demanding I take my clothes off. Her boyfriend was standing there. I refused. She said she wanted to see if he had an erection. I refused again. She said that if I’m refusing to take my clothes off then she would take that as proof that I am lying about the flirting and accusations I have stated about him. I refused again.


My mother beat me until I bled all over. I was sooo many bitches and sluts and whores all for refusing to give this man or show that man my body. They broke up soon after that incident, because she could not provide me to him. She has resented me my whole life for this.


–C.M.

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