From the very beginning, I have felt unwanted and alone. My mother determined to be career focused left me with my grandparents at the age of 5; while allowing my 3 year old brother to continue to tag along side her.
Where is the logic right?
When she finally settled back into my life at the age of 16, I was eager. I yearned for what I witnessed in my friend’s homes—a mother to cheer you on at events, recitals and spelling bees. All I received was an empty vessel, who continuously reminded me that I’d never be my brother. I would never be enough.
I cried out constantly for a mother, a friend, a support system. All I received was empty promises and appearances at awards day. Although my father for continuously present, a young girl needed her mother.
After graduating high school with honors and 12 college semester hours under my belt, I was proud of my 4.0 and full ride college scholarship. I felt my mother would pour out her love and embrace me. I expected too much. That day never came.
College brought its’ bountiful experiences, and I blossomed. Oh, the cheerfulness, beautiful essence of my free spirit was a beauty to behold on campus.
It was in those moments of my freedom, I met a young lady named Shouri. She set my soul on fire. She protected me, and she saw me. She loved who I was through and through without any inhibitions.
Being a devout Christian but raised by a multi-ethic family, my father and mother were a melting pot of Indian, European and African American descent. I was frighten at the thought of being exposed, but my partner supported me with my uneasiness. I knew I should not feel this way about a woman, but I loved the way she loved.
When my mother asked about school, I’d keep it brief. I mean, why share? My GPA continued to thrive, and my parents were pleased. They only asked about boys. No harm, right?
Life continued to unfold. By this time, Shouri and I were dating for two years.
In my mind, I did not fear my father's response; he had always loved me unconditionally.
However, the thought of losing the slight bit of love and attention from my mother threw my brain into overdrive. Everything I had accomplished in life thus far was for her.
While visiting my parent’s home on a autumn break, a knock at the door startled us while we talked over hot tea. I went downstairs, and there was a delivery at the door.
“Delivery for Laneai!” shouted the driver. As I stood in complete shock, he was holding flowers, my favorite chocolates, a teddy bear and a box.
As I accepted the package, my mother grabbed the flowers and began interrogating me. Before I could reach for the card, she begin reading it.
To this day, I cannot forget the words etched on the card.
“To my beloved sunrise, may this day forever remind you that love comes at no scheduled moment; rather a serendipitous occasion of one heart joining another. I am so happy our hearts chose each other. I love you with all of me. I cannot wait to be your wife. See you soon pretty dumplings”
My Forever Love,
As my mother read the card aloud, she summoned my father screaming that her daughter is a dike. As I began to cry, I felt the world crumble around me. She looked at me with disgust, and she told me I was cursed to hell. She slapped me, and she continued to hit me over and over again. It was during these few moments, I knew I had lost my mother’s love forever.
As I ran to the front door, she threw the vase of flowers at my head. As I picked myself up from the ground, feeling the blood drip on my blouse—I screamed “Why!” I cried out to the heavens, alone and defeated. I mustered the courage to grab my phone and call my closest friend Victoria.
My mother out of pure evilness lunged at me for a final attempt to hit me. She grabbed my hair until she managed to pull a chunk from my scalp.
I started to walk as fast as could away from my parent’s home. My fifteen minute walk felt like hours until I was greeted by my friend.
Over the next few weeks, my mother attempted to isolate me from our large family. It was during my alone time, that I realized I had accomplished everything in life that my mother asked of me.
I was a Pre-Med student with a 4.0 involved in every campus activity possible because I wanted her love. I craved it, and I realized I had never truly obtained it.
It took this horrible event to awaken my spirit. It was at my lowest moment, I realized my mother would never be pleased with me.
All I attempted to accomplish would only temporarily fulfill her dreams, and a gay daughter was not a part of her life.
Although this story is a sad one; there is victory at the end. Today, I stand strong in who I am and whose I am. I stand firm in creating boundaries and never wavering. I am enough.
As for my mother and I, the story continues to be written. For the sake of myself and my beautiful children, I have learned to forgive and love with a new lens.