Trauma With Your Mama | Stories | 012


Woman with messy pony tail, hoop earrings, and a white blouse with body facing right, looking at the camera.
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From the very beginning, I have felt unwanted and alone. My mother determined to be career focused left me with my grandparents at the age of 5; while allowing my 3 year old brother to continue to tag along side her.


Where is the logic right?


When she finally settled back into my life at the age of 16, I was eager. I yearned for what I witnessed in my friend’s homes—a mother to cheer you on at events, recitals and spelling bees. All I received was an empty vessel, who continuously reminded me that I’d never be my brother. I would never be enough.


I cried out constantly for a mother, a friend, a support system. All I received was empty promises and appearances at awards day. Although my father for continuously present, a young girl needed her mother.


After graduating high school with honors and 12 college semester hours under my belt, I was proud of my 4.0 and full ride college scholarship. I felt my mother would pour out her love and embrace me. I expected too much. That day never came.


College brought its’ bountiful experiences, and I blossomed. Oh, the cheerfulness, beautiful essence of my free spirit was a beauty to behold on campus.


It was in those moments of my freedom, I met a young lady named Shouri. She set my soul on fire. She protected me, and she saw me. She loved who I was through and through without any inhibitions.


Being a devout Christian but raised by a multi-ethic family, my father and mother were a melting pot of Indian, European and African American descent. I was frighten at the thought of being exposed, but my partner supported me with my uneasiness. I knew I should not feel this way about a woman, but I loved the way she loved.


When my mother asked about school, I’d keep it brief. I mean, why share? My GPA continued to thrive, and my parents were pleased. They only asked about boys. No harm, right?


Life continued to unfold. By this time, Shouri and I were dating for two years.

In my mind, I did not fear my father's response; he had always loved me unconditionally.


However, the thought of losing the slight bit of love and attention from my mother threw my brain into overdrive. Everything I had accomplished in life thus far was for her.


While visiting my parent’s home on a autumn break, a knock at the door startled us while we talked over hot tea. I went downstairs, and there was a delivery at the door.


“Delivery for Laneai!” shouted the driver. As I stood in complete shock, he was holding flowers, my favorite chocolates, a teddy bear and a box.


As I accepted the package, my mother grabbed the flowers and began interrogating me. Before I could reach for the card, she begin reading it.


To this day, I cannot forget the words etched on the card.


It read:


“To my beloved sunrise, may this day forever remind you that love comes at no scheduled moment; rather a serendipitous occasion of one heart joining another. I am so happy our hearts chose each other. I love you with all of me. I cannot wait to be your wife. See you soon pretty dumplings”


My Forever Love,

Shouri


As my mother read the card aloud, she summoned my father screaming that her daughter is a dike. As I began to cry, I felt the world crumble around me. She looked at me with disgust, and she told me I was cursed to hell. She slapped me, and she continued to hit me over and over again. It was during these few moments, I knew I had lost my mother’s love forever.


As I ran to the front door, she threw the vase of flowers at my head. As I picked myself up from the ground, feeling the blood drip on my blouse—I screamed “Why!” I cried out to the heavens, alone and defeated. I mustered the courage to grab my phone and call my closest friend Victoria.


My mother out of pure evilness lunged at me for a final attempt to hit me. She grabbed my hair until she managed to pull a chunk from my scalp.


I started to walk as fast as could away from my parent’s home. My fifteen minute walk felt like hours until I was greeted by my friend.


Over the next few weeks, my mother attempted to isolate me from our large family. It was during my alone time, that I realized I had accomplished everything in life that my mother asked of me.


I was a Pre-Med student with a 4.0 involved in every campus activity possible because I wanted her love. I craved it, and I realized I had never truly obtained it.


It took this horrible event to awaken my spirit. It was at my lowest moment, I realized my mother would never be pleased with me.

All I attempted to accomplish would only temporarily fulfill her dreams, and a gay daughter was not a part of her life.


Although this story is a sad one; there is victory at the end. Today, I stand strong in who I am and whose I am. I stand firm in creating boundaries and never wavering. I am enough.


As for my mother and I, the story continues to be written. For the sake of myself and my beautiful children, I have learned to forgive and love with a new lens.


Signed,


L.H.

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